Another long break. Another return.

And I'm back, again. After months of not writing, I finally got the time. People should think I'm crazy. I got the time now, almost less than a month before my exams. But here I am. It's not depression, or the urge to spill my feelings that has dragged me back. It's the need to move my fingers. It was the urge to come back to the one place that wouldn't judge me.
My last post was from August. I really have a lot to write. School's started. It started a long time ago, actually and exams are on my head now. It's not so easy, specially being in H which is apparently the smart kids section. I don't like the way we've been separated. I miss 7H so much and the old branch. Here, I can't feel like a little child. Around all these mature teenagers, and the teachers always talking about the Cambridge exams. It really is scary. But hey, I've managed to pass. And I'm managing to get good grades this year so I can do this. I hope I can...
The new branch, the "O-Levels branch" is okay, I guess. Missing the old branch isn't why I don't like this one. There are many other reasons for that. Like heyhi and the other dramas. All of us being separated, and so much more. Don't want to really talk about that. But, on the positive side, I've changed. Yay! Not. See? This is the confusion. I've changed. My personality, my manner, my way of looking at the world, my choices, my ways, my freaking everything! It's supposed to be a good thing. But is it, really? I mean, some changes are good, some are bad. This is most definitely good... In a way. In other ways, it isn't. I don't know how to explain. and whoever will read this post, will think I'm crazy. -_-
Great, more haters. That's the last thing I need at the moment.

Nathia Gali

I'm in Nathia Gali. And it is absolutely beautiful. The clouds coming down on us, the most hanging on the huge, gorgeous Governor House. And of course, the cold weather. The walks, playing mad card games at night like Snap! and Rang and Black Queen and Bluff. Ufff! Too good! Then going to the dark attic without any lights. Mickoo Mamoo scaring the shit out of Sara! He jumped out of a curtain behind her and she simply yelled an sank to the floor. We all were laughing so so so much. Thank God he didn't that to me, that's all I thought. Then, planning the barbecue. Walking down the trail to the Helipad. And hoping, wishing, praying to see the damn monkeys just once. I did see them while coming. But our car went by them so fast, I couldn't take a picture. Then the bats and HUGE black beetles coming in. That was just... AAAAHHHH!!! I hate bats. -.-
We're being treated like royals here and that's all because of Rukhi Khala. Loovvee you. :P
The barbecue is today and we're going to call ghosts today too and go for walks and all, obviously. I'm the only one awake at 6:30 in the morning. :/ I'm so bored and it's so cold and raining. Hopefully, the rain will stop soon. I'll post about today later.

Just a day without you...

So... You said you wanted me to take a break. As long as I wanted. And I got confused. Were you saying that for me? Or did you need a break from me? I mean, I didn't think I'd offend you by deactivating my account. Now I'm really really confused. Did you get angry? Or were you saying that because you understood what I meant?
Three fights. One day. One hour, actually. In a moment, my life went spiraling down. One fight with a best friend. One misunderstanding with you, which you probably don't even know about. And one fight. That brought the past back to me. Stuff I didn't remember. Memories that were best left buried. They came back. HE BROUGHT THEM BACK! Damn him, damn him, damn him.
I'm not confused. I don't have to choose like before. This time, this time you've left me alone. I needed help, I needed you. And you're gone. What do I do?
Taking myself away from the world may keep everyone else happy. And I like that. But what will I do? Keep myself at home for another month? How long can I stay without talking to everyone, without talking to you? One day tortured me this much. Give it one month, I'll be dead. I'm already dying inside. I am.

Wow. Probably the first time in my life. It's a miracle. I'm shocked. Stuck in the the moment. I can't move on. I don't even want to. First time in my life I got what I wanted. I got you back. And *bam* aren't I confused?
What have I done? I got you back. Why did I do that? Because I loved you. What's wrong now? That's the answer I need. The question I want to ask you. But you aren't there.
We haven't talked since so long. I asked for you. You came. Now where are you? Where. Are. You?

Another ending. I made a mistake. It was a small sentence, and I pushed you away. I'm sorry. I regret it now. I need you back. I didn't know what was happening. All of a sudden, too much was happening. I was confused. I didn't know what to say. So instead of thinking it through, I just did it. I ended what shouldn't have ended. What should have stayed. "You" should have stayed. And yet I don't blame you. You didn't do anything wrong. It was me. Me, me, me, who ruined your life. I didn't mean to. I promise. And I'm so so sorry. Your parting words were beautiful. And I can't believe I gave you up. Some days, I didn't trust you. Some days, I hated you for not starting the conversation. But that hate never stayed. I just couldn't stay angry at you. I always loved you. And I'm still stuck in the moment. Some days, I loved you too much. I spilled everything that came into my mind. I told you secrets. You were so far away and I hardly knew you but God, I trusted you! And I miss you. Some days, when we wouldn't talk, I felt like something was missing and I'd remember you and I'd smile. Because the thought of you always brought a smile to my face. At night, there were times when I'd completely lose my mind. And I'd start sending you random messages. It was so so much fun and...
I remember the first time I talked to you. So awkward yet so familiar. You'd have asked me anything and I would have told you. Then we started talking. Always. Every time. I didn't pay attention to exams. I gave it all up for you. And now you're not here anymore. You've gone. I love you...
"I hate it when you go away. But what can I do?"
I won't ever forget a single thing you said to me.

"We're united, Manchester United." Hahaha! I remember Lahore. How could I forget it. Those days were the best days of my life, those two special days. When we were all a group. I remember the whole bus being empty but we all still sat at the front, totally jam-packed. I remember when he had to pee real bad, and when we played those games. Bluff and killer and that one other extra special one. I remember when someone almost fell on me because the bus had turned sharply. I remember when she wanted to eat Tutti Frutti. I remember texting on the phones even when we sitting right next to each other. I remember that so well! I remember when we stopped at Bhera. I remember someone spitting out their frozen yogurt. I remember sneakily taking pictures of them so that I could show them to her. I remember the Border. It was absolutely extraordinary! Then I remember McDonalds. We sat together, I remember. Then I remember seeing out hotel for the first time. It looked so impressive. I remember being so excited when we saw the room. I remember how we jumped on the beds and put the songs on full blast. Then, we got so ready and we got late which made us get dissed. Then I remember the fight we had in the bus and I went and sat at the back alone because I was feeling "blue". Then I remember Pizza Hut. Worst dinner ever. No money, wrong orders, light going, table not decided, people not talking to other people, people not eating. Utter confusion. Then I remember forcing her to eat pizza and him forcing Coke in my glass since I wasn't eating. I remember crying in the bathroom. Then I remember the night. When we ran into your room and tried very hard to watch Woman In Black together but we couldn't because I kept on yelling. *Blush*. Then how we went into our room because I knew we were irritating you all. Then changing clothes and taking pictures. Then running back to your room and then I remember getting dissed yet again but even more badly. Then I remember going back into our room and calling you. Then dancing and not being able to sleep because she wouldn't let us. Then I woke up first of all and had to roam around. Getting locked outside the room. Waking her up with lights and no AC and full volume. The next day was better. We saw the Fort and the mosque. Walking together on the hard and very hot marble floor. Without shoes. Standing and saying Allah. Trying to talk from two different corners. Then going outside and all the boys protecting us from the cheapsters. That made me feel so important. Hahaha. Feeling a little sick. Then going to Hardees. Eating without the class sitting together. Small fight about that. Sitting and playing bluff, killer or just random games with cards. Having fun. Being kids. Enjoying. And then coming back. Another stop at Bhera. Another round of crying. A huge fight. Declarations. Protectiveness. Posessiveness. Losing my phone. Or someone hiding it. Then back at school. Literally wanting to cry because it was over. It was all gone. It was now the past, no longer the present. And I miss it. And I want it again.