Another long break. Another return.

And I'm back, again. After months of not writing, I finally got the time. People should think I'm crazy. I got the time now, almost less than a month before my exams. But here I am. It's not depression, or the urge to spill my feelings that has dragged me back. It's the need to move my fingers. It was the urge to come back to the one place that wouldn't judge me.
My last post was from August. I really have a lot to write. School's started. It started a long time ago, actually and exams are on my head now. It's not so easy, specially being in H which is apparently the smart kids section. I don't like the way we've been separated. I miss 7H so much and the old branch. Here, I can't feel like a little child. Around all these mature teenagers, and the teachers always talking about the Cambridge exams. It really is scary. But hey, I've managed to pass. And I'm managing to get good grades this year so I can do this. I hope I can...
The new branch, the "O-Levels branch" is okay, I guess. Missing the old branch isn't why I don't like this one. There are many other reasons for that. Like heyhi and the other dramas. All of us being separated, and so much more. Don't want to really talk about that. But, on the positive side, I've changed. Yay! Not. See? This is the confusion. I've changed. My personality, my manner, my way of looking at the world, my choices, my ways, my freaking everything! It's supposed to be a good thing. But is it, really? I mean, some changes are good, some are bad. This is most definitely good... In a way. In other ways, it isn't. I don't know how to explain. and whoever will read this post, will think I'm crazy. -_-
Great, more haters. That's the last thing I need at the moment.

Nathia Gali

I'm in Nathia Gali. And it is absolutely beautiful. The clouds coming down on us, the most hanging on the huge, gorgeous Governor House. And of course, the cold weather. The walks, playing mad card games at night like Snap! and Rang and Black Queen and Bluff. Ufff! Too good! Then going to the dark attic without any lights. Mickoo Mamoo scaring the shit out of Sara! He jumped out of a curtain behind her and she simply yelled an sank to the floor. We all were laughing so so so much. Thank God he didn't that to me, that's all I thought. Then, planning the barbecue. Walking down the trail to the Helipad. And hoping, wishing, praying to see the damn monkeys just once. I did see them while coming. But our car went by them so fast, I couldn't take a picture. Then the bats and HUGE black beetles coming in. That was just... AAAAHHHH!!! I hate bats. -.-
We're being treated like royals here and that's all because of Rukhi Khala. Loovvee you. :P
The barbecue is today and we're going to call ghosts today too and go for walks and all, obviously. I'm the only one awake at 6:30 in the morning. :/ I'm so bored and it's so cold and raining. Hopefully, the rain will stop soon. I'll post about today later.

Just a day without you...

So... You said you wanted me to take a break. As long as I wanted. And I got confused. Were you saying that for me? Or did you need a break from me? I mean, I didn't think I'd offend you by deactivating my account. Now I'm really really confused. Did you get angry? Or were you saying that because you understood what I meant?
Three fights. One day. One hour, actually. In a moment, my life went spiraling down. One fight with a best friend. One misunderstanding with you, which you probably don't even know about. And one fight. That brought the past back to me. Stuff I didn't remember. Memories that were best left buried. They came back. HE BROUGHT THEM BACK! Damn him, damn him, damn him.
I'm not confused. I don't have to choose like before. This time, this time you've left me alone. I needed help, I needed you. And you're gone. What do I do?
Taking myself away from the world may keep everyone else happy. And I like that. But what will I do? Keep myself at home for another month? How long can I stay without talking to everyone, without talking to you? One day tortured me this much. Give it one month, I'll be dead. I'm already dying inside. I am.

Wow. Probably the first time in my life. It's a miracle. I'm shocked. Stuck in the the moment. I can't move on. I don't even want to. First time in my life I got what I wanted. I got you back. And *bam* aren't I confused?
What have I done? I got you back. Why did I do that? Because I loved you. What's wrong now? That's the answer I need. The question I want to ask you. But you aren't there.
We haven't talked since so long. I asked for you. You came. Now where are you? Where. Are. You?

Another ending. I made a mistake. It was a small sentence, and I pushed you away. I'm sorry. I regret it now. I need you back. I didn't know what was happening. All of a sudden, too much was happening. I was confused. I didn't know what to say. So instead of thinking it through, I just did it. I ended what shouldn't have ended. What should have stayed. "You" should have stayed. And yet I don't blame you. You didn't do anything wrong. It was me. Me, me, me, who ruined your life. I didn't mean to. I promise. And I'm so so sorry. Your parting words were beautiful. And I can't believe I gave you up. Some days, I didn't trust you. Some days, I hated you for not starting the conversation. But that hate never stayed. I just couldn't stay angry at you. I always loved you. And I'm still stuck in the moment. Some days, I loved you too much. I spilled everything that came into my mind. I told you secrets. You were so far away and I hardly knew you but God, I trusted you! And I miss you. Some days, when we wouldn't talk, I felt like something was missing and I'd remember you and I'd smile. Because the thought of you always brought a smile to my face. At night, there were times when I'd completely lose my mind. And I'd start sending you random messages. It was so so much fun and...
I remember the first time I talked to you. So awkward yet so familiar. You'd have asked me anything and I would have told you. Then we started talking. Always. Every time. I didn't pay attention to exams. I gave it all up for you. And now you're not here anymore. You've gone. I love you...
"I hate it when you go away. But what can I do?"
I won't ever forget a single thing you said to me.

"We're united, Manchester United." Hahaha! I remember Lahore. How could I forget it. Those days were the best days of my life, those two special days. When we were all a group. I remember the whole bus being empty but we all still sat at the front, totally jam-packed. I remember when he had to pee real bad, and when we played those games. Bluff and killer and that one other extra special one. I remember when someone almost fell on me because the bus had turned sharply. I remember when she wanted to eat Tutti Frutti. I remember texting on the phones even when we sitting right next to each other. I remember that so well! I remember when we stopped at Bhera. I remember someone spitting out their frozen yogurt. I remember sneakily taking pictures of them so that I could show them to her. I remember the Border. It was absolutely extraordinary! Then I remember McDonalds. We sat together, I remember. Then I remember seeing out hotel for the first time. It looked so impressive. I remember being so excited when we saw the room. I remember how we jumped on the beds and put the songs on full blast. Then, we got so ready and we got late which made us get dissed. Then I remember the fight we had in the bus and I went and sat at the back alone because I was feeling "blue". Then I remember Pizza Hut. Worst dinner ever. No money, wrong orders, light going, table not decided, people not talking to other people, people not eating. Utter confusion. Then I remember forcing her to eat pizza and him forcing Coke in my glass since I wasn't eating. I remember crying in the bathroom. Then I remember the night. When we ran into your room and tried very hard to watch Woman In Black together but we couldn't because I kept on yelling. *Blush*. Then how we went into our room because I knew we were irritating you all. Then changing clothes and taking pictures. Then running back to your room and then I remember getting dissed yet again but even more badly. Then I remember going back into our room and calling you. Then dancing and not being able to sleep because she wouldn't let us. Then I woke up first of all and had to roam around. Getting locked outside the room. Waking her up with lights and no AC and full volume. The next day was better. We saw the Fort and the mosque. Walking together on the hard and very hot marble floor. Without shoes. Standing and saying Allah. Trying to talk from two different corners. Then going outside and all the boys protecting us from the cheapsters. That made me feel so important. Hahaha. Feeling a little sick. Then going to Hardees. Eating without the class sitting together. Small fight about that. Sitting and playing bluff, killer or just random games with cards. Having fun. Being kids. Enjoying. And then coming back. Another stop at Bhera. Another round of crying. A huge fight. Declarations. Protectiveness. Posessiveness. Losing my phone. Or someone hiding it. Then back at school. Literally wanting to cry because it was over. It was all gone. It was now the past, no longer the present. And I miss it. And I want it again.

It has been so long. Exams and so much more has happened. Fights and lots more. It's nice to be back. To start spilling out my feelings again. Exams went... Okay. Thank God they're finished. Finally. So much has happened. I can't say everything. But it has happened... And life will keep on changing. New people came into my life. Some old people went away or I started keeping them slightly away. Some new people came who I hope will stay forever. It's a long time and a strong word, forever. And yet I still use it to say I want you to stay forever. People who I'd been uncomfortable around became my friends. Very close friends. And people who I'd been comfortable around were... Well I just wasn't so sure about them anymore. But time passes. Things change. Just as the world moves on, so does my life. People come and people go. Things come as new and go as old. People love you and dislike you or simply hate you. Pets die. People change or stay the same, they're still pushed away from you. You like teachers. You move on. You hate. You love. Your heart is broken by one person. Then it is joined together by the other one. But you live. You stay confident. You stay strong. Because if you're having bad times now, there'll be good times ahead. Becuase the rainbow comes after the storm.

The cold linoleum floor. That strange, anti-septic smell, and the bed in which she lay with bars on her sides as if she were trapped. The hospital itself. Her eyes flickered, showing that she was dreaming. She'd twitch, her hand in my hand might tighten but yet she still wouldn't open her eyes. She was breathing deeply. Her eyelashes were wet with tears. There was a tube in her hand. It showed that my mother had just come out of a surgery. She'd cried when the anesthesia had made her nauseous. I'd never heard her cry out like that. 
I sat by her side for 3 hours. Never moved. I wanted her to get up, maybe say something. She was always so hyper, so full of life. I just wasn't used to seeing her like this. So still, so weak. They said she was aware of everything. Was she? Could she hear me whenever I whispered "Mama"? If she could hear me, I hope she felt reassured that I wouldn't leave her. Never ever. I'll always be by her side if she wanted me there. I still am here, Mama. I love you.

Feeling totally -.- !! It's as if someone has cursed me with this stupid depression. I was fine in school, really happy! I come home and *boom* I feel as if killing someone! Now, guess what I feel like doing? I don't feel like going to Lahore! Yeah, I know... Shocking! :( But I just don't know whats wrong with me! I feel like killing myself. God help me! Ayeshaaaaa's goiinngggggg!!! :D Yay!! I don't know why I don't want to go... I feel like breaking everything and crying and yelling!! :( :( :( :(


Uff what is wrong with me? Someone tells me to go and then I remember the fight I had and I think "Noor you won't even have fun. Why go?" ...... *Sigh* What to do, what to do? I will go but I don't feel like going anymore. I hate that bloody fight!


Right now the people who live in the Christian Colony behind my house are yelling "Swadeshi!" and "Shaadi!" Lol!!! :P Maybe they can make my mood better.

Good day good day good day! But obviously it had bad parts. Clandestine parts. :P Anywayyy so yesterday was an amazing day! Today was going much better until after break! :( In a way it shouldn't really matter to me but she was supposed to be my best friend. She broke a lot of promises in a small period of time. Whatever. It wasn't my fault. I tried to talk to her a few times but she ignored me twice so now I guess I'm going to have to start breaking a few promises myself. But the rest of the day was fun! :D When we missed half of English class talking about Lahore with Naureen Teacher. How she kept on teasing 7N that they would stay with her. Oh! All of us are friends now finally!! :D Yay! Everything got solved yesterday. Today everything worked out fine. Well, partially. Everything will be fine, everything will be fine, everything will be fine! Thats what I tell myself.

The Hunger Games!

I've read many different kinds of books. Some I love so much that I keep on reading them again and again. Some I like the first time I read them but then I don't want to read them again. This was the first time a book had such a different effect on me. The Hunger Games, Catching Fire. I loved these books so much but, for some reason, I didn't want to read them again and again. I thought that would spoil the charm of the books. There were parts I just had to read, parts that I couldn't just leave.

Suzanne Collins is an amazing writer! I want be like her. The way she writes I mean. I want to write just like her. She captures so much. She describes everything so wonderfully, it gives a clear picture in my mind. Now I'm reading Mockingjay, the final book of the Hunger Games. So much happened in just these three books that I have to really concentrate to stay on track. Sometimes I missed some important parts and had to go back a few pages to understand what was happening. I loved these fast paced books. I can't wait to read the ending!

You're leaving. For a while maybe,a few months maybe but still. Come on dude! My birthday! You won't even be here for it. Seriously? :( I love you. You know that right? You're just like a sister to me. Even though we live in different houses and with different families, I've known you since I was 3. A bond that can't be easily broken even if you want it to. Though I'm not trying to break it. You're the one hope, the one star I see shining constantly even when there's the sun. The sun can brighten up the day however brightly but eventually the night will come and I'll need the stars. Not stars, just one particular star. I need you now, I'll need you later. I'll need you forever.

Your birthday happened a little while ago and even though I had planned to write a whole big love filled post for you I don't know why but I didn't write it. Guess I can write it now since the words are coming easily and my emotions are extremely strong.

I was 3 and I'd been in the school for a while when you came. You were adorable with the silky brown hair and a milk bottle clutched tightly in your hands as if your life depended on it. The teacher told me to try to talk to you, to play with you. I came over and tapped on your shoulder. You turned and looked at me as if I was a huge monster that had come to eat you and you ran away. I don't remember more but I'm guessing I probably just shrugged my shoulders because I knew you'd come eventually. You did. We became friends, then best friends and then friends that could never be seperated no matter what happened.

I can't explain everything that happened since we were 3 to now, when you're 13 and I'm 12 turning 13 in May. Do me a huge favor and try not to forget my birthday. That will really make me very very angry. I trust you though. I always have I always will, sis. So yeah, I remember a lot of incidents from all these years. Some are happy some are sad and some are so unimportant that I don't know why they're stuck in my head.

I remember you coming to my house. I remember me coming to your house. How we laughed till tears were pouring down our cheeks and we were holding our stomachs tightly. How we fought as if we hated eachother. Lots of things...

Your leaving on the 25th April, maybe later, hopefully not earlier. I know I've already said it but I can say it a million times and still not get tired. I love you and I'll miss you TERRIBLY! Have fun, enjoy life and may you have a happily ever after since your probably the one person who deserves it most. <3 I'll miss you Mots...

Does it work for everyone? I never thought so... Still don't think so.

I wish...

I wish there was someone I could cuddle up into and who could tell me I was the whole world to them. Yes, I feel like I belong now. I have best friends and friends and blah blah. Now the trip to Lahore isn't that far and I can't remember last when I was this excited but yet sometimes I know that the best friends I have now may not need me sometimes. I wish I had someone who was in my soul so that I never felt like I was never alone. If I ever find that person, a person who can touch my soul, I'll never make them cry. Never hurt them. I never find that kind of person though. I know I won't find that person for a veerryyy long time but everyone has a few wishes, a few dreams they can dream. But some dreams I want to stay as dreams. I'm not talking about nightmares. I'm talking about the most beautiful dreams. There are probably reasons why they're dreams, why they never come true. At least I'm blessed enough to have many happy dreams in my life. I know everyone has a pleasant dream once in a while but for some reason I feel like I'm privileged with the dreams I have. I don't think I'm favored. Not by anyone. Definitely not by the person who makes my dreams the way they are. But I know I'm lucky and I'm thankful for that. Thankful yet still full of wishes...

Leaving. This branch. This school. These teachers. These classes. Oh, the canteen. The grounds. The vice principal. The junior kids. Everything. Everyone. We've been here for 6 frickin' years. And we're leaving in a day. Forever. Never going to come back. Never going to sit in any of the classes to study again. Right now, I'm wishing I could fail just to stay here. But then again, I shouldn't wish that incase it comes true. But I will miss this branch so so so so much. Its just not rubbing into my mind, the fact that I'm leaving. We all are. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Leave.
Another thing thats torturing me is that next year we won't even be together. We'll all be seperated with the exception of a few children. But thats not fair! Life isn't fair in these matters! I'll miss the family I'd made in a school. And it really was a family. With little brothers and sisters. And older ones. And same aged ones. And of course my mother, who was also a sister and a best friend and a friend. Rabkajoora. I'll miss everyone and every single thing. Because I truly loved every single one of them.

La la la!

I feel like I just seen the sun for the first time. You make my life bright cause you shine. Its me and you baby, its our time. I'm living my dream, girl cause you mine. You got me skippin' down the street. And singin' love songs all out of key. I didn't smoke nothin' but I feel so high. And I know why. It's a love thing, it's got to be. Your heart's all locked and I got the key. It feels like I just won the lottery. 'Cause I got my girl and she got me. You my new obsession. I feel on top of the world with you baby. I want to dance and party tonight. I feel on top of the world with my lady. I'm gonna rock your body all night. She makes me wanna sing. La, la la la.

Love love love this song! For some very odd reason! :P

Good day! Yay! Very good day. I loved the way I felt like I belonged. I loved it when she said "I tell Noor everything. She knows everything about me." What I loved most was that we made a whole new dance in only a few hours which is even better than the last one. I hated it when SHE cancelled Desi Thumka but at least we got a better dance. She liked it so mission accomplished. *Sigh*. Still have so much to say but can't say it. Maybe if I use code words... Never mind.
Now that my problems are starting to end and other peoples problems are starting I can easily pity them. I can actually say "I know what you're going through." Because I actually do! Now that I'm very happy I want to solve everyone elses problems and make them happy. I know the feelings not mutual but so what? I'm trying to be a good person and I will be one. I feel like I could laugh so loudly that the whole world will hear it. I repeat. Today was a good day. 27th March 2012 will deifitely be remembered. I hope tomorrow's just as amazing as today. I'll make sure I'm wearing my good-luck charm. ;)

Bad day. Bad day. Bad day. Bad day. I knew there would be bad days in my new life. Never thought the force of the confusion would knock me breathless. Fights over here fights over there. One fight starts between me and my friend the other starts with the other friends. One problem isn't solved and new ones keep popping up. One person doesn't talk to the other the rest stop talking. Ahhhhhh! I think I'm going mad. God help me! Todays damn fight has gotten me so confused! Now I don't know who ARE loyal friends and who aren't. I'm not so sure about one person but I'm sure of the other. I wish with the deepest part of my heart that my one wish comes true. Bring all of us back together. Bring back the childish acts, the dumb jokes, the laughing times. Bring back the old us... Some people probably think I'm the one causing these problems and maybe I am. Who knows? Maybe I'm the devils double. I'm an evil witch who wants to ruin everyones lives. Yeah. Sure. Thats what I want to do. Anything else you want to know about me?
But whenever I try to be nice I remember the old times. The way I was hurt. The way I was hit. They way I was treated with absolutely no mercy. Oh no I can't forget lovely days. Oh how I miss them. Umhm. Miss them. Those amazing days. Those memories have changed me into a bad person. That thirst of revenge. That lust for hurt on your face. You say you love me. I no longer say the same. I say I hate you. And I will take revenge.

Future...

Ever thought about the future? What you want to be? What you want to do with life? When we were small they used to ask us what we wanted to be and we'd say stuff like Superman, Princess or Fairy. Now, even though I'm still young, I'd say stuff like author, lawyer or dentist. Princesses and fairies are long gone. Wish they could stay though. Living with stuff like that made life so much more easier. No real problems. When I was young my friends and I used to fight on which cartoon character we wanted to be. Bloom from Winx Club or Cloe from Bratz. Now, I wish I was that young. The older you get the older you want to be. When I was 6 I wanted to be 13. Just like my older cousins, I wanted to be the oldest class in the school. I thought I'd rule the school. Now that I'm their age, I feel the same. Worse probably. I feel like I have responsibilities. I feel like now I have a burden to carry. Now that I'm older I wish I was as old as my sister. 20. Yup. Just 7 more years to go. No biggy. At the rate the time is going I'll probably be 20 quickly. 20... I'm still not sure I want to be that old. More responsibilities, more burdens. I just can't decide. What do I want to be? What do I want to do? When I get older I'm sure I'll understand everything... Hopefully

I wonder... Do those idiots make my life as entertaining and fun as it is? Probably... But those poor idiots can't take away the evil from my life. Yes there is a touch of evilness, a touch of jealousy, a hint of anger. But by some miracle it isn't in me. Its in someone else towards me. For the first time in my whole entire life I'm not sure who its coming from. I can just sense it like a distinct smell of perfume... Not but perfume is pleasant. More like a distinct smell of rotten eggs. Yep. I cant believe I'm actually at a level where people feel jealous of me.
A few months ago I was heartbroken and cumbling down from all the pressure I thought I had. Now I'm standing as straight as the new Daisy I've become. Umhm. I'm no longer the rose waiting to be picked up by someone as they walk by. I'm a Daisy that can stand staright itself and who doesn't need anyone. It has a bunch of Daisies besides it anyway. There are no more thorns in my life. A few bugs buzz up and bother me some times but the wind carries them away. Soon all the problems in my life will be taken away by the wind when it blows. Soon...

Another day has passed... Thank God that it was full of happiness. My mother came back! The joy that was written on her face when she saw me could have been nothing compared to my joy. The first day she'd gone had been fine. The second... Okay. The third I started missing her. The daily activities seemed incomplete without her. The fourth day I was almost counting the hours till she would come. Fifth, I was really getting depressed. When she returned yesterday, I felt alive. I felt as if the missing part near my heart had returned. It was full of love and warmth and affection towards my mom. Today I feel absolutely perfect. Unless of course some idiot comes amd spoils my day and there are lots of idiots in my life.

Miss you...

When you're with someone you love you don't know their importance, don't feel their need. Once they leave, even if only temporarily, you realize how important they are and how much you miss them. You realize how much you need them. You need their advice that seems stupid when they're with you. You need their help even if it may seem unnecessary when they're with you. You even need to look at their faces just to feel fully there.

My mother, who is an extraordinary woman, is who I need. I now realize how much she copes with and how much she has to handle. Even though all of us are irritating, disgusting, cranky and just plain bad, she loves us and treats us patiently. She takes care of the whole family along with our adorably bad mannered dog. There are times when we drive her over the edge but never in her life with us has she said something overly harsh. She says what she has to and what we force her to. 

Her warm brown eyes, her soft face, her pink cheeks, the warmth that always flows off her body, the love only she has words to express, the affection with which she holds us, all the sacrifices she gives for us. All these things make her my mother.  The woman who is most important in my life. <3

Back again. To start typing, to start writing, to spilling all my emotions onto this. Finally, I'm feeling as if I belong. I belong where I am now and where I will be for quite a while. We've gone our seperate ways but yet we still get pulled towards eachother every once in a while. And I've found other people I love. Who may just love me back. But I'll need to be patient. I've gotten good at that. Patient. Something I've had to be for a year now. But I've gotten what I want. Friends to take care of me. Best friends to love and support me. An amazing family that keeps me a happy. Maybe, just maybe, I have something to live for now.
I've found the people who love me for who I am. Who dont ask me to change just because they don't like who I am. I'm no longer hopeless. Maybe I do have a sparkling bright future ahead of me. There are ups and downs, still some small bumps that make me stumble and hesitate before moving on. But they just make me stumble not fall. Before, I used to fall face first onto the hard brick road of life which hurt a lot. Stumbling is something I know will happen a lot through out my whole life. I took a risk. I turned towards the turn that didn't seem right. But it led me to success. Yes risks can sometimes change a life. They changed mine. I've taken so many risks. They all led to happiness.
The coldness of the winter has changed into the sudden bloom of spring. A new beginning. I hold many expectations for spring. The rose that was me before has died. A new bud is blooming. A new me. Its no longer a rose. Its a Daisy. Its affection is towards a few selected people. This is the new me. The new me that waited for a very very long time to bloom. This is the new me. Accept it or leave it.